Log in

Just trying to hang together...

Not really sure what's going on with me recently but I just can't seem to shake this rather perpetual melancholy that my body seems to have sunk into. I'm becoming more and more inward-looking and have recently begun to feel a disassociation with myself and what I used to call my personality. Wile I don't really think that I'm in any real danger, the facet of this that is definitely going through a teenager's outlook on life and emotion is beginning to take it's toll.

While I'm not typically one to want to brood, I do. I suppose that this is all rather natural and expected. Just wish that things didn't seem to want to get to me as much as they do.

Ah, the joys of a second puberty.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.


Phone client...

I seem to have a phone client. We shall have to see what this does to my posting frequency but, historically, i have been very bad at keeping up with anthing, so no breath holding.

Posted via LjBeetle


So, it's been more than a year since I started this account. Things have changed in the ways that I expected (squishiness, more sane, etc.) and some that I have not (friends lost due to insanity on my part, pain and suffering, tons of realizations about my suck whilst coming out of the fog, etc etc etc.)

I've got lots more to say and I'll be doing so in long-form but I've got to say, life as a young woman (apparently this TG thing catches up in bounds of years... I'll explain later) has been more and less than I imagined and now I'm really quite ready to get on with the next bit (wherein I decide to live life normally and de-transition from transsexual to just normal female human worm-baby.)

Also on the to-do list: stop using so much parenthetical encapsulation.

HRT: First Three Days

Okay so, here I am, several months after getting all this going and we’re finally on the first doses of Spiro. Easy stuff first:

  • I’m tired
  • I’m dizzy
  • I’m a little moody
  • Sex isn’t on the mind as much
  • Stuff in bed is different already
So, yeah, for all the waiting, I’m certainly getting my money’s worth of difference in the first 72 hours. I’m really quite excited about the developments but I’m not so thrilled that it made me babble a little too much today... which is saying something about myself today as I typically ramble.

Monday morning was the last banking appointment (the bane of my life is over) and it was a mad rush from there to my side of town and as I got closer I knew that I’d want a new outfit of some kind for the concert that we were going to that evening (Muse in Nashville.) I also needed an oil change and we had to leave by 3:30 to get there in time... or so I thought.

I rushed back in the door and explained that I’d still need the oil change so we decided to skip an appointment that I’d made earlier for 1:00 and just Jiffy Lube it. That was the single most expensive oil change in my life but it was 15 minutes and we were out the door and pretty darned happy to boot!

We got to Goodwill a few minutes later and an hour later, we walked out with a few tops, outfits for the night, and a new pair of leather pants for me... because they’re real and they were there.

The drive was grueling and lo and behold... we got there early... because the concert was in Nashville... in Central time. LOL. We took chemical advantage of the situation and by the time Silversun Pickups hit the stage, we were good and inebriated. We chatted a little with our neighbors when the opening act ended (it was okay but the band needs to get a little more interesting with their style diversity.)

Shannon is really the only one that we can remember well. She and I cut up a lot and we had a blast through all two hours of the Muse set.

And what a freaking set it was. OMG so much awesome all over the place. What’s kinda funny is that I was so enthralled singing the songs with everyone that I was just too busy a lot of the time to watch the visual orgasm which was their stage setup. If you’ve not seen it and are going, skip this but I’m putting it in here for posterity.

Three skyscrapers dominated the stage. When Muse got their pre-show started, the skyscrapers lite up their windows... one by one. Then people appeared and started climbing stairs. Animated people.. not real ones. There was a ton to the show and this wrapup <a href=“http://www.spinner.com/2010/03/13/muse-perform-visually-stimulating-show-in-chicago/”> here </a> is a better written version of what I would say about the general tempo and layout of the concert.

That is to say that it was a formula that they’d done time and again but have gotten to perfection.

The light show was awesome and 360º all over the place. Lasers. Freaking lasers everywhere.

Lights come up. We go home.

The drive wasn’t all that bad and we got home before morning rush hour so we were pretty content on that front. Tuesday was just mostly sleepy drifting.

Today, I woke up, felt groggy and got my morning on. Shower, makeup, hair, clothes, etc went flying and I got to work. It was there that I noticed a couple of things:

One, I was dizzy.

Two, I was HUNGRY (or so I thought... I’ve been wrong about a lot recently, I should stop thinking!)

I muddled through the day and ate.... which didn’t help. I got home, looked up the side-effects, and proceeded to reevaluate tomorrow.

I will apparently be dizzy and stuff for a couple of days. This will be fun. That’s about it for the moment but as I’m already 1/10 through a Novella on this post, I suppose that I’ll let this all go and get some rest.

Oct. 25th, 2009

I'm not dead... just really busy. Journaling takes a while but I've got a lot that I've been through recently and I don't want to lose it.

I suppose that I need to get back in the saddle and start the documentation of this stuff, I'll likely be legally full time in a couple of months. This time is too important to lose. Check back soon.

So, yah...

So, I attended Southern Comfort this weekend.


So, I made a ton of friends inside that short period of time. I was treated as myself. I even got complimented all the time. It's kinda a heady afterglow at this point but I'm really quite sure that it's time to move on. What I mean by that is that SoCo this year was a turning point no less significant than that fateful day on July 22 (has it only been ten weeks?) when my true self came bursting out of my mind angry and terrified. This rebirth was no less significant but somewhat less painful. Thing is, after SoCo, I'm moving on from my life where I present as male, ever. Being accepted wholly by so many for who you are inside and out just kinda washed away the last vestiges of the male-tendencies in my personality.

Mind you, I still get nervous, edgy, overbearing, and bossy but that's just kinda the way that mom raised me and I'm working on making myself stay in the mindset where I won't go there. Simply put, that's kist a feedback-loop. It's not really *me*. I realize this now. It's such a relief to be able to be me. I'm imperfect, wanting, needy, scared at times, confident in myself when I can, but most of all, I'm a complete person at this point that I can call 'me'.

At this point it's simply a waiting game with the HBSOC against my desperate need for hormonal therapy and my access to those resources with professionals that would be more compitent than the care that many girls receive (I will NOT give details here, these are professionals and I'm not sure they want their names attached.) I believe that I can be a good girl and not jump the gun on my treatment. I want to believe that I can follow the rules here. I really don't want to though because, as I said, I'm ready and it's quite time. Funny how fast I've moved through this. Seems kinda impossible but I suppose what I really needed was my partner. She gave me a place to heal. She made it possible for me to know who I am. It's strange that I never found that safe place before but I suppose that it took a long, long time to get to July 22.

So now? What's next? Well, it's time to get my life together. I've dropped a lot of balls while waiting on this to resolve and I dropped a lot more than that before this year. I've got a lot of work to do with myself but I know where I'm going. Finances are first as they make everything else possible in this situation. Same time will see me talking to a couple more family members before talking to my Grandmother. That conversation will be the very last that I will ever have as a male. I'm looking forward to it more than FFS or GRS. I'm 99.997% FT at this point ten weeks in. Moving that quickly makes you very aware of EXACTLY what will happen next as it's all barreling toward you so fast that all you can do is prepare for the next hurdle while jumping over the current one.

The other part of my life that I've neglected too long is my activism. I'm political in so many ways but have no desire for any office. I just wanna help the others as well as the kids who are struggling with hiding or being forced to hide their true self. No one should ever go through this. No one. It's time to get my ass off the couch and get out in the streets again (I don't believe that I'm going to be doing activism and outreach again, I've missed it a LOT.) I'm seriously thinking about joining YouthPride and working with them as well as working with support groups. Seems that I've got a lot to say and a lot to share. I also seem to be rather more informed about this crap than most so I might as well share what I can with those who might need it.

Today seems like I'm starting my life back. I don't know when I stopped really (9th grade?) but I'm glad to be here.

Pleased to meet you, I'm Victoria.

SoCo 2009

Holy CRAP!!!

So, aside from the fact that the first section that I went to was kinda painful on the gender pronoun issues, I had the best day EVER.

First. Ashley, Alexia, Yami, Becca, Jennifer, Halley, Kim, and so many more... I love you all. Seriously, you made my day in ways that I've never even thought of before.

Next, today was my first time out in public as a girl. It was INCREDIBLE. I was completely myself for about 16 hours and still am. I met new people, talked TG issues 'till we'd gotten everyone's story and then just started talking like school kids. It was so much nicer than anything that I'd ever imagined.

After lunch, where I met Linda, the pixie like MD who's starting her residency soon and looks 16 (ENVY), I sat in on the HRT Panel by Jennifer Burnette. She was more knowledgeable about HRT than I'd known existed in the medical community. I mean, this woman understands almost all the mechanisms for androgen issues, hormone replacement, and the various goals/uses of each medication. I've got so much respect for that woman. What's more, she's an activist, a parent, and publishes papers to WPATH which present the holistic approach to HRT with DEEP understanding of the mechanisms involved. I'm glad we've got her on our side.

What's more, she took me out for coffee at the mall across the street. I was in the middle of a public venue for HOURS... not a glance. A couple of girls at one of the boutiques apparently were on to SoCo going on but the mall is traditionally the place where people at the hotel come for hanging out and picking up... whatever. They kinda stared and one of the shop girls just couldn't stop smiling at me and Jen as we were walking all over the place I just said 'hi' and she asked if we were having fun. I said that we were... and that was it.

Also, I've found that there REALLY is a generation gap with TG folk. It's wonderful though because the generation I'm in (new) has so much to thank the older generations because of all the work they did/do and SoCo presents an option for us to learn their stories of life in harder times. Seems that almost everyone fesses up to it. The younger kids hand out with each other, the older with the older. It's just kinda the way it is. I like talking with people though because the experiences of their life are so drastically different to me that I'm made infinitely more aware of how awesome my life really is.

Only uncomfy issues was me having to reject the hell out of a woman who was definitely digging me. I didn't really feel comfortable around her as she presents very masculine and the energy from a dress like she was wearing was too confusing in my already confused state. I had to get a little stand-offish and kinda avoidy... but I don't like being approached like that. If you're not even going to get to know me long enough to find out who the hell I am, you will get about as you deserve there. I'm sorry babe, if you read this and know who I am, coo. Just can't really care much as your advances were not well done and I found out that you were hitting on Kim earlier. That kinda makes your a bit desperate and kinda chaser-ish from the view of the young women (she's... late 40's? early 50's) you've been pursuing.

Aside from that, we kinda talked for hours and hours. It was too much fun to be allowed. I will have to PRY my ass away from the conference to get to George's funeral... but I'm not missing that for shit. It'll only be a couple of hours and I owe that man so much... still though, y'know, I think that he'd actually encourage me to blow him off. Ain't gonna happen but, y'know. I'm going to see him and cry. I need to see him. I miss him so much. So much.

Love to all. G'nite from hot'lanta.

Day one.

Day one scc atlanta. First session: kinda rudely mangled the gendere pronouns for the whole thing. We'll see how her afternoon session runs. Second time block is kinda a dud. Will try perhaps in a little while.

Eulogy for my friend.

I lost one of my father figures today. He was kind, funny, and warm. He was only in his 50's and he already had crow's-feet all over his face from smiling so much all his life. He was a punster. He had such an interesting life. He had talents amany and loves galore. Those whose lives he touched were always so happy to have had such happen. I cannot phantom this loss.

The one thing that I was taught by his example was love. He taught me everything I know about what it is to truly love your partner. She was his sun and moon. They were married for longer than any three of most people's marriages combined and they loved each other to the ends of earth. I will never forget how he looked at her. His eyes alight with a sparkle that he only had for her. He was so in love with her that, while they were and are distinct people, I do not know many who consider he without she or visa-versa. Even when fighting, I could see that they were both only fighting about how to get to the goal they wanted. I've never seen that outside their marriage. His was a courageous love for her as well he had to chase her to the ends of the earth to win her heart. It was like a storybook but real.

It is impossible to say how different my life would have been without him. I can't express my grief correctly at this time. My thoughts are with his wife and god-daughter who he raised as his own. I cannot say how much I will miss him because there is not a word.

It has been raining all day today. It now pours with the ferocity of grief. The only time that the sun shone was for a second when I went outside. It seems that my moment of innocent ignorance was poignant in this day of sadness and dark. The world is sad for it's loss. It pains and the sky sheds tears that such a man is past itself. I am somewhat happy that it took a moment to show me the literal silver lining. I now know why it weeps because I weep with it.

I can say that I've seen the better side of life through him. I've seen what it is like to live outside fear. I can say that I've met, loved, and been loved by a person so wonderful that everyone he met had nothing but joy in their hearts at his mention. I can say that I knew him.

I will always love and remember you George Bingaman. Rest in peace.
When you love someone all your saved-up wishes start coming out. ~Elizabeth Bowen

I love you baby. With everything that I am.